Thoughts from a Therapist on Empathy & Forgiveness

Back in college, long before I knew I would go on to become a psychotherapist, these words by psychologist Virginia Axline struck a chord with me. They have since had a profound impact on me both professionally and personally. The quote was originally intended to inform therapists in their work with children and families. However, I believe that the wisdom and insight behind these words can be applied more broadly to all people, not just parents.

When a child makes poor choices or misbehaves we often jump to blame their parents for this poor behavior. However, as therapists even when we can clearly see that a parent’s behavior negatively impacts their child, it is important to still find empathy and understanding for the fact that the parent too was once a child and most likely treated very similar to the way they now treat their own child. This doesn’t excuse the adult’s behavior, but in many ways can help explain it. Our experiences and how we are treated during those most formative years of childhood set in motion the trajectory of who we will become and how we will treat others as adults.

As adults we are responsible for our behavior in a way that is different from a child. But what is meant by that responsibility is that when we make poor choices as adults, the onus is on us to remedy our behavior. It is no longer anyone else’s job to guide us in the right direction. But just because as we grow older that onus is placed on us, and only us, it doesn’t negate the fact that the root of the behavior most likely stems all the way back to how we were treated when we were innocent, unknowing children, ready to soak up information about how this world will treat us and how we should treat it back.

Yet, in real life (as opposed to therapy) when adults display maladaptive behavior patterns we often don’t take into consideration the fact that they were a child once too, and have reasons locked in the depths of their souls for the way they behave. This in mind, when we can accept the fact that personal responsibility and empathy can coexist within our view of the same person, this acceptance leads to a beautiful thing: forgiveness.

In our lives people will undoubtedly let us down or cause us pain. But I challenge everyone to have compassion toward adults the way we so often do toward a child who simply didn’t get enough love or wasn’t treated as they deserved to be. For all children grow up to be adults. And within all adults lies that innocent child that deserves to be met with empathy and forgiveness for what they could not control and what impacted who they became.